Tomorrow, as in 12 minutes from now, will be August. Where did all the time go?
I know that I’m leaving in a little less than three weeks, but the reality of that hasn’t quite hit me yet. I understand what’s happening but my mind hasn’t or doesn’t want to completely register it. Honestly, I’ve always been eager to break free of home, to get out and grow my roots elsewhere. It’s not that I don’t love it here, I LOVE Texas, I really do, I just feel like if I don’t get out now, I might never be able to. The idea of a world completely separate from my own dazzles me, and I can’t wait to start a life in L.A. But lately, I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking and all that has brought on a wave of anxiety and fear. I’m scared of being a little girl in a big city. I’m scared I’ll be all alone. I’m scared I’ll be friendless and sans social life. I’m TERRIFIED of being late to class. I’m scared I’ll get lost. Most of these fears are insignificant but it’s got a domino affect that’s really making it’s way toward me. I guess I’m just nervous, getting “cold feet” I suppose you could say. I also don’t want to leave my friends. Life via the internet really isn’t the same. I guess all this uncertainty is really just freaking me out. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next year. I don’t know how much is going to change. I don’t know how much I’m going to change.
the meaning of life.
So basically today I watched like 8 hours of Jersey Shore. Holy Shit. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it’s cute but really, it’s just reality t.v. I just really can’t believe I sat for that long in front of a t.v. screen. Just sitting. Dear God.
My vacation in a nutshell:
Canada. Lots of delicious Chinese food, including, but not limited to, the following: dumplings, milk tea (it counts), bakery treats, stinky tofu. Trip to Eaton Centre (enormo shopping mall) and Yonge-Dundus (kind of like a Times Square). Lots of walking and public transportation (good thing). Ontario Lake was gorgeous, especially with the tall ships coming in that particular weekend. Firemen in Union Square on Canada Day (they brought out Canada’s finest). Vacation within a vacation: trip to Montreal and Quebec. Fell in love with French people. It’s also cool that everything is in French and the mainly spoke French. Toronto Island was carefree and romantic (two words that most describe it). Hidden beach fronts, lakes to kayak, bicycles to rent. Ideal place for a date. Would’ve been better if I wasn’t in such a sour mood that day. Down time with grandparents. Probably the most important thing to me in this world. Post about that later.
So I’m not really one of those people that follow like a gazillion people on tumblr but there’s this one girl I followed who does cutesy art stuff but the main reason I followed her was because she was dealing with her boyfriend leaving the country or something and I wanted my tumblr “experience” to be not just pretty images but also a collection of normal people’s existences from all over the world. After all, we’re all connected in some way, right? At least that’s what I’d like to think. Anyways I kind of forgot where I was going with that but I mainly just wanted to talk about love/relationships (what’s new). For some reason, lately, I’ve just really wished for company. Like, nice i-like-you-and-you-like-me company. I mean, thus far, I haven’t really been lonely or even wanted a relationship at all but sometimes I do regret not having one in high school for a multitude of reasons. One being I don’t have fond memories of a high school sweetheart, which makes me sad, but this is rather insignificant since I didn’t really have anyone in mind. But the main reason is because high school provides a foundation for future relationships, and now I feel like I’m behind and going into college blind and naiive. But I’m not really going to worry about that until I have to, which won’t be for a while I’m hoping. I’ve just suddenly felt lonely in that intimate aspect (not sex) and I guess that’s what spurred me to write this. I’m also a little bit tired of living life on the sidelines, playing it safe. It sounds weird, but I really just want one of those all consuming, destructive, whirlwind romances to knock me off my feet. I want to just not hold back and give it everything I’ve got and then have it all taken away so that I can prove to myself that I can stand back up. So that I can decide for myself if it’s better to have love than to have lost. That would be nice.
I just went to visit my dormant xanga for like, 5 minutes and I was suddenly reminded of why I liked it: the option of privacy. I can pick and choose who I want to see what, which I can’t do here (at least I don’t think I can). But why should I be so afraid to say what I feel?
I’m beginning to feel the usual withdrawal symptoms from my tumblr, even though I swore in my first post that I’d do my best not to. Noooooo. I do mean to write, I really do but sometimes I just get so lazy. I think the hardest thing is to just actually start.
I haven’t been blogging lately due to my lack of internet access, which makes me very sad! The only free wifi I can get is at Starbucks, but even then it’s hard to find time in between spending time with family and spending time with family. But that’s not to say that I haven’t been thinking lately! I find myself wondering a lot about life and what it means to exist in a world full of questions whenever I have time alone, whether it’s trying to fall asleep or sitting in the car. But that’ll have to wait until I return to the good ole U S of A cause I spend whatever precious minute I have with the internet on facebook trying to catch up on what’s happenin’ at home. I miss my friends dearly and I can’t wait to get back, but at the same time I don’t want to leave :(.
Until (after) friday!